The United Animal Nations

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" my photographer colleague enquired of the waitress. "Non, non, monsieur" came the reply. Stupid Kraut. I looked away. Nobody spoke German, it was Geneva. "Stick vid me" he'd said earlier, "The Sviss unterstant my language". I had to resort to my schoolboy French with a strong north Aussie accent : "doo cafaiy playse", "mercay"

It was 1987 and we were in Geneva to testify at a hearing. The Australian and Northern Territory governments were on trial for cruelty to animals. We'd filmed and photographed the government shooters wounding buffalo from helicopters and an animal welfare group had flown us to Geneva for the court case.

Not caring much for detail, I was still unsure of what exactly it was that we were doing. "It's the United Animal Nations" howled an SBS television producer I'd spoken to. He had jumped for joy the previous day at the prospect of having a scoop. I thought we were going to testify before the United Nations. "It's the United Animal Nations" he cried, his head in his hands. "Who you going to talk to: A pig, a donkey, a chicken?"

Who cares? I was being flown to Geneva, London, Singapore - all expenses paid. My first time abroad. I had some heart wrenching video footage of wounded, dying buffalos - made them all cry in Geneva even if they couldn't understand me. The translators scratched their heads and the people on the bench gave me blank stares. They hadn't come across this style of English before - The language of the deep north of Australia.

At lunch a pretty, young French maiden slid up beside me. I badly wanted to engage her in conversation and more, but the vet from Casablanca cornered me to talk about Australian camels. They were really dromidaries from his country. The presiding Judge: renown wildlife activist Franz Weber, came over for a quick, curt handshake. He was far too busy for small talk, a man on a mission.

Outside, the snow fell, the second hand reached 12 as the train pulled in - so perfect. The British buskers complained bitterly as they packed up their instruments and pocketed their meager earnings. The court of the United Animal Nations was back in session. The verdict: "Guilty".

I don't think anybody back in Australia even knew.